Regain Rain

Hegemony

2008-12-07T16:59:00.002-07:00

In my studies at college as part of my minor in Theatre I learned about hegemony. A basic definition goes along the lines of the collective ideologies, principles, beliefs and cultures of one society. Theoretically, these are the things that a group is meant to share, mainly those intangible things. Of course this can translate into material objects, which is important when describing the American culture.

In some instances hegemony can be a positive aspect, but usually it is used as a mechanism to distract and control the mainstream society. A lot of the time examining is a perception, a preconceived notion that the middle class and working class are led to believe.

In order for society to maintain its position of progress there is a necessity for those who maintain and ensure that progress be content. Most working individuals spend a considerable amount of time earning money to support their families, and if they were to clash with the hegemony would find it difficult to provide for them. When social change needs to occur it comes from those people who are equipped to scrounge a sustenance and don't need any job to support themselves.

Sometimes in American culture, especially today, the things that the generation of those born in the 80s and after hold dear are not necessarily most important. A few examples are the phenomena of American Idol, reality television, social networking and etc.

Of course some hypocrisy enters into the equation, because I myself am a consumer and prone to social networking. In our society that is connected it is impossible to be disconnected. The only way I can see this happening is if a nuclear bomb was dropped on us or there was no way to sustain the energy needs, but I'm hoping we can see the way of our error.

I think the hegemony of America needs to shift towards selflessness and a desire to live green. People, myself included, have become obsessed with consumption, we need to find new ways to be content with what we have. I think it is possible to live creatively and to have media to enjoy, we just need to rethink our motivations and strategies.

I think there is a long road in front of us but with the election of Obama there is at least some shred of hope. I know that message was one spread throughout the very mediums that sometimes promote the ills of society. If you watch the video in the last post and even if you don't I hope you realize that we need to change now.

The song isn't the best one, but I think it presents an interesting and old concept. I hope you have learned a little bit about hegemony, because there is a great deal to it and it is something that we will always be confronted with and encounter on a daily basis.

I am off to do other things, but maybe I will continue this discussion at a later date.

Melting-Pot Fallacy

2008-12-07T01:22:00.003-07:00

All my life I have heard about the melting pot. Especially my education in middle school, this concept was distilled in me that America is the place where people different races have come together and are one. There is no immediate harm in thinking this.

My second year at college I took a course called Ethnic and Minority Literature, whereupon I learned about cultural competency. There are I think 7 different levels and I'm sure it depends on the version. Now I am trying to remember exactly how it was set up, but there is a level about being culturally colorblind, you're aware that cultures exist but you don't know anything about them, good, stereotypical or bad.
I have probably progressed somewhat from this stage and do my best to think how one thing affects other cultures.

I don't use racial epithets, but sometimes in the privacy of my home I will joke about it. Or I will at least say something without thinking or hesitating.The idea for this post came from a YouTube comment:

2ndicprecords (2 weeks ago)

And you will be shocked to also see that we all now live in a beautiful melting pot, and its not called a White America, or a Red America or a Blue America, or a Black America, but our melting pot of many beautiful colors is called: THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

Whenever I hear this buzzword 'melting-pot' I always think assimilation. I fully believe that it is possible to celebrate our diffrences and to call that celebration the United States. The trouble begins when one assumes that every culture and race have always been on equal footing. I won't go into too much because obviously I only know enough to know that someone is always getting preferential treatment.

I do believe that as all of us are immigrants that there are a few traditions we picked up in America. There are a few things all Americans must do, and even though some of it may seem shortsighted, not all of it is. We of age are all given the right to vote, laws to follow, the etiquette of America.

But as far as language goes there should not be a national one, instead there needs to be an interest in all people to be bilingual.Language is such a valuable tool and most of the problems in communication that we have stem from this.

I want to wrap this up by saying that we all must learn about other cultures as best we can and accept the differences amongst our cultures.

In the next post I address the hegemony of the American (as we united states citizen's call ourselves) society...

The video for which the comment came from is below:

"NOW" #1 OBAMA SONG & VIDEO OF 2008!

The Practice of Blogging

2008-12-04T22:33:00.003-07:00

As probably a few other thousand people were, after watching the Arianna Huffington interview on "The Daily Show," the flame was rekindled in me to continue this blog. There are always distractions keeping me away from it, school for one. NaNoWriMo for two. But I always seem to forget how important it is to maintain some sort of writing routine. There does not necessarily need to be any strict adherence to guidelines, just some sort of discipline to get ones thoughts out every day or week.

Hell knows if anyone will actually read it, from the get-go that's not the point. The point is to write. Having a body of work and a constant stream of writing allows visitors to always have something to look at. Consider the following analogy or metaphor or what have you: if you have empty pots no one will be interested in the nonexistent flowers, why should they they have no reason to expect there to be flowers. But if those pots have soil or the slightest indication that they will hold future flowers that people are more likely to anticipate flowers. Why should they have any interest in your blog if you don't give them any reason to believe you have any interest in it.

I hope this will be a place to do what my intention was when I began it, to attempt to formulate some sort of understanding of the world as I see it. The things I and everyone else uniquely believe about it are always changing, and this is why when elections are occurring that I become distraught when campaigns say such and such is a flip-flopper. How can you possibly exist without changing your ideas and beliefs on a constant basis... I can understand a person not changing what they believe for years, but how they believe what they believe does.

If you will allow me the chance to spend some time using observation and exploration I hope that the future of things posted here will be worthwhile. Check back often and feel free to look at some of the things that I have blogged about, not everything is super exciting, but I think some of the conclusions drawn may be of interest to you.

Yours truly,

Jesse "Regain Rain" Russell

Seeing Only What You Want To

2008-10-08T09:27:00.003-06:00

Sometimes just treading lightly does not ensure that the results of your efforts will be in your favor. I found out that someone I know was engaged and just recently they broke it off. This seems to be the new trend with people I take an interest in. Except, I don't have too deep of feelings for her.

Regardless, this just proves that you can think you know someone, but you can't know everything about them, especially when it's none of your business. For me, I guess I'm glad I didn't impose on her too much, sorta asked her about getting coffee and talking someday.

Trust me, I already thought about those guys that pretend they are consoling girls who just got out of a relationship, the whole cry-on-my-shoulder bit. It's my belief that sometimes people don't want to be reminded of their ended relationship, that they want to move forward with their lifes.

I think this is pretty much the same for all grief, you don't want to feel the sadness, so you avoid dealing with it and think only happy thoughts about the traumatic event (or something else). I know what that's like and I can't blame people for wanting to do that. It's just not something you can do whatever, you can't put off dealing with the reality.

I'm not in it to push my luck, and even if I try to offer her any consoling, I know I'll feel totally guilty. Is this my duty? I think so, because over everything the only thing I want the most from her is friendship. Right now, that sounds weird, I can't see the future, just the past. But you live for the future and this is the only way to create a past worth looking back on.

I am thankful that I learned this, so treading lightly must be constant. It should be a pretty interesting journey nonetheless...

The Despair of Life

2008-09-05T16:01:00.000-06:00

Even when life seems to be full of happy moments, sometimes it is depressing to think this will end. I wouldn't say I have accepted my mortality, but I am not sad to know I won't be around forever. It seems to be the thought itself that scares me the most, this is true for several other fears of mine, I guess that's what makes them irrational. Even if the fear seems to be utterly improbable or something I simply have no control over, it's best to find distractions to pull you away from these thoughts, these distractions are ultimately the worthwhile moments that comprise the happiness and contentment of our lives.

I don't know what it is with me that I don't allow myself complete bliss. Now, this isn't true all the time, but it is usually ever-present. I think that it is selfish for me to complain about unhappiness. I guess the price one pays for a comfortable life is guilt and sadness. You know the whole triangle shenanigan Maslow came up with, self-actualization being on the top. It's possible to consider the pyramid to start at objective needs (things you actually need to survive) and then progress to subjective wants (things you want because you survive). Nifty isn't it.

You see, writing this has distracted me from my sorrow. I don't think it's abnormal to feel such an emotion, it does after all allow me the opportunity for reflection. I think this is a greater sorrow, the state the world is in, the destruction and disregard. I doubt we will abandon use of fossil fuels, there may be millions of eco-friendly people and companies, but tradition survives as long as it can. So, until all gas is used up and every resource exploited we will use fossil fuels.

Global warming, mass extinctions, carbon emissions, global cooling, El Nino, what have you, there is something wrong about the current picture. Shouldn't the bottom line be, what's good for you is good for me. Less fossil fuel usage, less carbon emissions, less cancer, more solitude of a forest. So, if it is morally a good thing to do then why not do it. It's never that easy.

That is not the point of this blog. I often look for the meaning of my life, sometimes this gets me down. I attribute it to a certain social awkwardness I might have felt that day or week, etc. But that's a blog in its own right...

Music Will Find You

2008-08-25T20:10:00.000-06:00

It's interesting how music seems to find you, whether inadvertently or on purpose, music is as mysterious as life itself. I was listening to my local radio station, they played a song and I liked it and remembered the song title so I could look it up. During the break a PSA came on and mentioned a music festival going on next weekend. I looked it up and found out which bands were playing and saw who the headliner was, South Austin Jug Band.

So, I discovered two bands, the first, Sweet Wild Orange and second South Austin Jug Band. Both remind me of a lofi acoustic indie band, SAJB being a more rural, bluegrass sound. I seem to like music based on the sound, preferring more instrumental stuff, if there is singing it has to be profound or at least flow and I have to like the voice. I understand what I have mentioned is perhaps fundamental in music appreciation, but moving on.

Since music should move you or represent your mood I tend to like the upbeat and fun, although there are some days this is not the case. I also like music in an intimate setting, the more one-on-one conversational type. While I have enjoyed several loud concerts, it is very draining physically, moreso to one's hearing. I like being able to hear, not being drowned out by a wall of sound, call me a wuss, but it's just my preference.

I may not show my contentment very well, but if the music is good and upbeat, so am I. I am, however, no longer awestruck when I find a good new band, there are several thousand and I'm not here to judge your tastes in music, because basically I don't know them if I don't know you, now do I? Moving on.

It is always hard when you come across a similar sounding band. You have the choice to either accept them equally or decide which one is original and which one is a knock-off. I admit I like a few myself. I think the exceptions are Flogging Molly and the Dropkick Murphy's, whose type of music almost requires similarity in sound, I would say as well as in spirit.

Indie music contains the singer-songwriter category, which means that a guy or gal playing usually a guitar or piano is the voice and face of the band. They may not be the only member of the band, but perhaps they are the reason it continues to exist and be successful, at least in the sense that they are writing new song lyrics. Artists like Vanessa Carlton and Norah Jones are a few examples, neither of which I can say are complete favorites, it's listenable and maybe I have found myself moving to their music, but not artists I can't live without. Usually these indie artists bring something unique to the stage, if they sound similar they may dress up or bring a different aspect to their live-sets, maybe not.

It is true that there are people listening to music I find not very enjoyable or good, but I am biased in my cultural standpoint and demographic, I am allowed to disagree, thank you...

I hope to post some more on this topic and the two bands I mentioned, but it is a process that I must continue on before commenting. So if you like what you read stay tuned, comment or do something to let me know…

Between the Love and Lust, the Wandering

2008-08-22T11:02:00.002-06:00

It's the strangest thing, while there lingers great hope and expectations, there is also an inability to live up to both. I know this is more or less a nihilistic phase that I always seem to go through. I have this irrational fear which tends to spring from boredom and a massively unchallenged brain.

I am at an interesting stage in life. I consider myself to be mature with how I behave in the world. Yet, I believe I am immature when it comes to the romantic type of relationship, mostly due to the fact that I have never experienced one. I haven't found it, the right person seems to be eluding me or the right circumstance to test the waters. Therefore, should I be looking for someone with roughly the same experience as me or pursue someone who has a better understanding of a love life. I know it's a personal choice and a matter of whether I find one or the either first. I know I would probably prefer someone who knows what they want or that I can give it to them. Often, experience pertains to age, but in my case I am at the experience level of a 18-21 year-old. Nothing wrong with that.

I have dealt more with the emotional aspects of relationships, I become friends before anything intimate happens, there is a difference between someone you've known awhile and think is perfect for you and someone you find mysterious, new and who you want to get to know. Usually, if the girl seems like a perfect match, she probably isn't, you don't see who she really is, don't accept her flaws and basically don't see her as herself.

I'm doing my best not to fall in love before I know what I'm doing or looking for. Although I haven't been tested on this, I am trying my best to keep my options open and to consider my prospects. It really isn't as bad as it potentially sounds, I am tired of the 'not interested card' that has been played to me all the time. I need to improve my batting average.

Perchance To Dream

2008-06-04T15:18:00.004-06:00

I usually go awhile without having strange dreams. Sometimes some event occurs in my dreams and I have no idea what is happening or why. One dream this week had to do with a girl I only knew in the dream, not someone I know in real life or whether this person exists. I remember that she had a boyfriend and telling her let's take a walk/talk. There was waist deep water we were walking through and I said something harmless that drove her away but not very hard. There was some large woman who tried to keep her from going, but to no avail.

I was curious about this dream. It's humorous that in dreams we seem to just let things come to us, we may make decisions but we don't usually pursue them fervently. I wonder if this is partially because the brain is not as active in the dream state and dreams serve to replenish and calm us while we are resting.

I like dreams because they have the capacity to leave me with a sense of wonder and often inexorable happiness. Happiness that nothing else in life could possibly give me, at least a unique sense of contentment. I see people for no real reason in my dreams, like my friend who graduated three weeks ago, maybe because I'll miss her like I'll miss many graduate friends.

Dreams represent a world that we long for, maybe a new friend, a girl to date but there are other things. Maybe we can exist without having to think about the consequences of our actions. Maybe if we sleep with our friend in our dream we never have to experience the weird morning-after or week after, we are free. Except it's not possible to control our dreams, not like you can choose what happens in your dream.

I have noticed someone I'm thinking a lot about at the time will usually make an appearance in my dream. Maybe I miss them or they have been gone too long. Sometimes I am reassured to see them, somehow it tells me they're doing okay or that I should check in on them. Occasionally I will have a strange and sometimes scary dream that troubles me, sometimes it's influenced by what I read, watched or thought about from the day/week. Dreams are almost a culmination of what has pervaded our thoughts as of late, a recap of what our mind has put much of its energy into. Dreams attempt to make us calm, relaxed, happy and sometimes a message is hidden within them, sometimes this message is a thought that our mind thinks we should expound on or a risk we must take. Obviously, the message is not clearly defined, there is no definite message, one we merely draw from the dreams we have, sometimes we attempt to re-enact them in the hopes we can experience real-life magic.

Dream on!

Boy Meets Feist

2008-05-27T15:27:00.005-06:00

I used to be your categorical teen, caught up in admiring supermodels and actresses. I clearly remember a calendar I had, which begat a silly crush on Laetitia Casta, I even wrote a story in which I married her. I think this was a phase that most heterosexual males and females go through, it has come and gone since being replaced with the various crushes on girls I actually saw up close.

Alas, I find myself with a crush on Leslie Feist. I had heard about Feist years ago but thought nothing of them, er her, and really had never listened to their music. I vaguely recall her appearance on SNL, but I developed an interest after watching her on The Colbert Report. This week I have been watching Feist music videos and am in love. Okay, it's not that I will exactly ever have the chance to you know realize these feelings but I'm hooked. So some think she can't dance, but the video for “One Evening” is Leslie Feist on irresistible display.

Leslie Feist does not have the type of beauty with which you immediately notice. She almost brings to mind the looks of a lovely girl from England, she’s Canadian (and while I can name a few good-looking ones, Canada doesn’t tend to equate with supermodel). Besides I have only heard the stereotypes (Latin American/Spanish, etc. women like Jennifer Lopez, Penelope Cruz are unsurprisingly in this category). So a few beauties hail from Canada, including: Shania Twain, Alannis Morisette (not like Shania but nonetheless), Sarah McLachlan (still no Shania) and here is a list of others: Natasha Henstridge, Estella Warren, Avril Lavigne (which is questionable at times due to her outfits) and Pamala Anderson (you know if fake breasts and hepatitis are your thing).

Of course I don’t believe that only a few countries have beautiful women in them, but sometimes it’s hard to see past the stereotypes. However, that is not the point of this post. Well, what exactly is it about Feist that I adore? I realize that may sound a little crazy, but trust me it’s out of respect. So how do I say this without too much objectification? For starters she has a sincerity in her voice, trust me I am in no way an expert, but when I listen to her sing I feel connected somehow.

As far as her videos go, they are some of the most original and interesting I have seen. I realize that she doesn’t necessarily think up the concept, but they seem to capture her personality. I also know that it’s impossible to really get a feel for someone from interviews and their music, but from what I know the two equate. I haven’t decided if I like every song Feist has covered or written, but I’m thinking that there is a great possibility that I like her newer stuff more.

It’s really quite difficult to describe the beauty of Leslie Feist, she has beautiful long brown hair, and is adequetly endowed (besides that isn’t usually a deciding factor for me, I didn’t say it had no bearings though). There’s also a degree of sexiness and mystery in her name “Leslie Feist.” When I first heard the name Feist I honestly thought that it was just a clever pun (“feisty”).

Say what you will about my crush, there’s nothing you can do besides agree and jump on the bandwagon but at least don’t pretend you’ve never had one on (for girls Jonathan Taylor Thomas) or (for guys on Danielle Fishel). Okay, maybe those are bad examples but you get the idea. This post is certainly not exhaustive, but gives you a glimpse into my psyche, no not my psycho.

It’s The Trying That Counts

2008-05-25T11:10:00.001-06:00

I think I know what's important to me, but my motivation seems lacking. Summer is condusive to both an attitude of potential and yet apathy. It becomes so easy to sit back, watch t.v. and forget there is something more out there. Maybe it's better to always pursue your goals never realizing the completeness of them. Optimism must not be smothered but given room to breathe.

Summer is not bound by as strict a rigor, especially when school lets out, and it requires great discipline to stay focused. When goals are most visible they seem the easiest to pursue. Of course, this brings up the concept of two types of motivated people.

On the one hand, there exist the self-reliant. These people can easily motivate themselves to a certain goal, if things don't go as expected they are able to simply revise their plans and continue forward. Then there are the lazy. This group is simply not motivated and merely push their way through life with one constant goal: living. It is possible to be in the middle of both groups, motivated when absolutely necessary to be or are encouraged towards this motivation. Neither leaders nor followers, this definition seems to apply to the majority of people.

Boredom easily broods over into apathy; the only goal thus becomes being entertained. However, the pursuit of a goal can easily translate into entertaining. The best way to avoid apathy and boredom is to both associate yourself with the self-reliant and to have a variety of goals worth pursuing.

It's easy to say if you do a and b that c will follow, but it's hard to follow through. I find myself prone to being active one week and inactive the next, I have great difficulty giving myself a task that I will likely accomplish. I hardly doubt watching YouTube videos counts as a goal, not a very loft one that is.

Some of the difficulty lies in switching gears and mindframes. The end comes, the last day of school, maybe of work if you are so priveleged. It's harder to start the train than stop it. Okay, maybe that's a bad example. It takes energy all its own to complete something, and I suppose it’s like a football travelling along its parabola. The path it takes to get it in the air is relatively equal to the path it takes for it to fall. There is one point when the ball is free of gravity, but only for a lapse of time. The middle phase is easiest, you have a greater idea of what is to come and what it is you wish to accomplish.

How do you go from working, going to school, being around a greater number of friends, and having a more defined goal to either just working and/or a few friends and no easily defined goal? From a college-perspective I think these goals differ amongst majors. Theatre majors can work at different theatres during summer; acting, lighting and what have you, therefore there are many ways to continue their learning experience and to create visible goals. For history majors, maybe you do self-study, research town history or the history you will be studying next year in school, but there isn’t as clear of a goal to define. English/journalism majors, like me (English that is), can work on a newspaper, find a job editing, write, read, attend workshops/readings and overall improve in their writing (maybe by writing a blog). So, not as easy to create goals. But it is always your decision when it comes to drawing up your future, your goals, even though the waters become murky at times.

I feel as if I haven't offered anything new in terms of relaying original advice. As time goes on advice and ideas become less original, it cannot be helped. I guess there has to be a way to kickstart motivation. As a writer I seem to always be struck by writer's block, maybe I'm just horrible at organizing and brainstorming. My thoughts are static and unless I'm fully focused on the matter at hand I can never finish what I've started. I rarely understand the reasons for making the choices I do, but manage to learn a great deal from them. Life is touch and go afterall.

If anything I’ve learned optimism is key. Just because you fail at one goal doesn’t entitle you to give up on a similar goal, through failure you learn the most, the cliché is true. You can always learn to be proud of attempting something difficult, how else would anything remarkable get accomplished. Goal, from Merriam-Webster, means “the end toward which effort is directed : aim.” Therefore, it is possible to have one overarching aim, towards which smaller goals are devised so as to reach its ends. There is room for error, an error is a sign that something went wrong, and it isn’t necessarily your own fault (if you have truly tried). This signals to you that the goal is not something you can attain, but don’t give up on the goal at the end. You may fail other times, if this seems a constant occurrence you may need to reconsider your goal or pursue an entirely new goal (a new approach).

However, don’t worry you haven’t wasted all your time. Learn from your mistakes, yes it’s true. As a writer for example, suppose you just write sappy love-stories, use stock characters, similar plot structures then you will never learn how to be a better writer. Part of being a writer requires you to experiment (with tone, dialogue, your voice, setting, etc.). You must also risk being controversial, original and yourself. If I just wrote poetry I would never grow. Nor would I have learned my strengths as a writer: in fiction my use of dialogue and in poetry my use of rhythm/melody/meter. I still don’t believe I’ve found my voice or entire purpose for writing, but I understand what it takes to get there.

At first I would just write and never thought about anyone creatively critiquing my work. You don’t have to change everything people think needs changing, but you can get an idea of where the work is at and needs to go. Usually you get better at writing the next story and the criticism focuses on more important things like plot, content etc. I do know some people who are totally opposed to workshopping their works, they don’t want to follow the formal rules, to hear their work sucks or it’s lacking such and such. This is not the way to go you must not be selfish with your writing.

Workshopping works in a friendly environment is the only environment condusive to trust and listening to what people feel is lacking in your writing. Never take advice you don’t want to. It’s more about what you believe is important in the long run. Advice is never mandatory.

Sometimes in the pursuit of a goal you may have a mentor or a good friend whom you turn to when you’re unsure how to proceed. You can learn a great deal just from listening to them and it isn’t as if you have to do what they say afterall. Remember you want to accomplish your goal not their goal, but if they speak from experience and have learned from past mistakes or successes then you can save time and avoid failure or pursue your goal by similar means.

It’s your life, you shouldn’t be forced along a path you despise or dislike, but you should be able to have someone at your side as you walk down the sometimes frighteningly unknown road. You cannot learn without trying and without an open-mind. Remember; instead of sitting wondering what life can be like you should be learning what life is like.

Grey Skies Clear Up, Part I

2008-04-20T10:50:00.001-06:00

Not as though a groundbreaking revelation was discovered, but it feels good to have a response from the girl I was starting to have my doubts about. I still wonder about any future that concerns us, even if it's just as friends. I am perfectly comfortable with those friends I once expressed interest in and for various reasons they chose to just stay friends. It is definitely interesting starting to have the same sort of feelings for those you once liked, of course I like my friends, but to have a crush is weird (I mean knowing it will only ever be a crush, that can't be acted upon).

When I started this post I didn't have a clear intention as to what I was going to write about, which is actually how I usually begin them. I have mostly been caught up in working on schoolwork and games, internet stuff, baseball and hockey, but it's business as usual. I really get frustrated throughout the semester when I am unable to write poetry and fiction without having to worry about whether or not I have finished such and such an assignment. I do enjoy the social aspect of going to school, although most days I'm more concerned about getting there and finishing up my classes for the day.

So, after I read the message S sent to me, I know I've mentioned her name before, but I will reserve it to S for the sake of my blog. Like I mentioned previously she didn't leave a profound thought or anything, not that she was supposed to, but I'm happy that she wrote back to me. I seriously was thinking that it might almost be time to write a really mean poem, but thankfully the need has extinguished. I really don't know about the whole dating thing now, or at least in the summer. The situation in her life is hard for her to even explain, and I can only imagine explaining it from my side. I think during that process of breaking up (among other similar events) things seem so monumental and tragic and end-of-the-world, and what may seem intense really isn't to outside eyes. Of course outside eyes don't have the same relationship or experience with that person.

I have felt like I would explode or die of heartache many times. There is confusion when you're rejected or usually in my case there's already someone else, but time and air really help and you shouldn't go through it alone, because you might self-destruct and become psychotic and insane. Trust me, there are much worse things than being rejected or breaking up, sometimes people just forget that.

It is sad that that loving feeling doesn't seem to last, I'm sorry to say this is what I believe, but I suppose if you could be in love indefinitely than it might be possible to love someone that doesn't love you indefinitely. I am sure my earlier comment about liking my friends after I know we're just going to be friends (and the possibility of any other relationship developing is microscopic).

I am appreciative of having these friends, and I do feel a close connection to them. I truly can not say I have ever been in love with someone who has been in love with me, I don't know if anyone has even ever had a crush on me (I cannot foresee that having happened). I usually am called "a nice guy that a girl would be lucky to have," but I truly wonder if that is a compliment so I don't give up or if there is any truth to it (I should reality). I try not to get down, I know people like me and would do anything for me (well almost, date me being the exception). No, but I am thankful to have them. Thanks friends.

The Pursuit of Joy

2008-04-01T08:58:00.001-06:00

Today was strange for the most part. I hadn't conceived of something like this happening. I have only guessed recently who may consider me as dateable. I realize that is perhaps strange grammar, but I can't think how else to say it. Anyone familiar with Facebook may be aware of an application called Social Me. I wouldn't call it scientific or reliable, but I admit falling for it. So, last week or sometime around then I was informed someone had anonymously said they would date me and they selected the reason being they thought I was smart, I am, but they provided that as their reason. I forget if they are two completely separate applications, but anyway, people who add it can tag other people. I was tagged by a girl who said I was smart. So, I had been tagged by I think twelve girls, but only one saying they thought I was smart. Concidence, I don't think so.

I have been given this insight, if you will call it that. I have been known to like a variety of girls and time after time they have declined my affection, many have expressed a mutual respect for me and we are very good friends. I have known the feeling of rejection and feeling something for someone that did not feel the same way for me. I don't think this girl necessarily has a deep interest in me, or if it was a decision she thought briefly about and didn't pay much other mind to the idea of dating me. Of course this is something I would be flattered to have, someone actually liking me in the dating sense. I don't want to force myself to like her, she is a nice girl and all that pleasant stuff. I think a lot of other people blindly enter relationships not knowing will happen or if they truly have feelings for eachother, but they figure it's worth a shot and take the plunge, that or they hate the idea of being alone. Singleness has its perks, but so does being in a relationship.

I am at not what I would call a completely simple stage in life, being that I am trying my best not to succumb to the stress of waiting for a girl I like to figure her life out. I could easily forget about her and look for someone else to make me happy. What is the price for one's happiness? I think the possibility of not having it just as much as having it. I think I have sacrificed much for the potential of joy, and I have taken great time to not be hurt, but ultimately have been hurt. I believe and know I am better equipped at handling rejection, knowing it isn't necessarily because I have done anything wrong, mostly timing is off. So, bad luck is my excuse.

I would like to date and be in a relationship more than anything, but am unsure whether it is better to experience a relationship that is likely to not last than to avoid the heartache altogether. I know that without risk we would never know the rewards. I definitely need to think on this more and hopefully Jen will be available to discuss it with me. Although I know she has plenty to decide for herself, but respecting her privacy, I will keep that between us, but I know it will be in a post sometime soon.

It is nighttime, this will be posted after the night passes and I have reflected deeper on the current matter.

The Future of Me

2008-03-30T16:14:00.001-06:00

If the future was predetermined and we were aware of it, would this post need to exist? I am certain you wonder how I know the future isn't predetermined, I don't but can't foresee such a possibility. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad deal, to know what's going to happen before it does, it might prevent a lot of the headaches people have, unless you were supposed to have one. Then if you had no control you would be forced to watch and experience things, things you might enjoy not having done. This brings up an interesting thought, well a few. You might be able to better understand why you made a stupid decision if it was meant to happen, as opposed to learning afterwards that it was dumb and clearly something that could not be reversed. The destiny you have that, for the most part, you control would at least be one you arrived at by decisions you made. It is not one minor decision we make that becomes our destiny, one thing leads to another and another and causes a chain reaction, a reaction you must continually create.

I am reminded of the Choose Your Own Adventure books where you make decisions throughout the story that impact what happens in the end. Albeit there aren't many different possibilities you get the idea. I won't get into probability and math, because I'm horrible at it and forgot how to do it, but if each decision has two possibilities, yes and no, then you can imagine the exponential growth of possibilities. So, you can see there is some insight into each decision you make, but as there isn't a way to precisely pinpoint future events, you don't know what will happen. You can decide when you'll marry, but you never know if the other person will say yes, or who that person is before you meet them or even if you will meet them. I am trying to send telepathic signals to someone, that person will most likely comment on this post.

You might not be able to see the future but if you learn from your experiences and better understand cause and effect, then maybe there is some possibility for prescience. Sometimes you're better off not knowing and sometimes you wish you did because it would be awesome.

Bad Religion Faves

2008-03-27T20:45:00.003-06:00

I decided to post my favorite Bad Religion songs, I just put this together, so it isn't a list of definitive BR tunes and we may disagree.

If you have Rhapsody you'll appreciate it just a bit more...

BR Faves

1. A World Without Melody - Bad Religion
2. Heroes & Martyrs - Bad Religion
3. Fields of Mars - Bad Religion
4. I Want To Conquer The World - Bad Religion
5. No Substance - Bad Religion
6. In So Many Ways - Bad Religion
7. American Jesus - Bad Religion
8. Watch It Die - Bad Religion
9. All Good Soldiers - Bad Religion
10. Modern Day Catastrophists - Bad Religion
11. Sinister Rogue - Bad Religion
12. Los Angeles Is Burning - Bad Religion
13. Atheist Peace - Bad Religion
14. The Empire Strikes First - Bad Religion
15. Supersonic - Bad Religion
16. Prove it - Bad Religion
17. Broken - Bad Religion
18. Kyoto Now! - Bad Religion
19. Materialist - Bad Religion
20. Kyoto Now! - Bad Religion
21. Evangeline - Bad Religion
22. God Song - Bad Religion
23. Walk Away - Bad Religion
24. Anesthesia - Bad Religion
25. Entropy - Bad Religion
26. A Walk - Bad Religion
27. Spirit Shine - Bad Religion
28. Pity The Dead - Bad Religion
29. Ten In 2010 - Bad Religion
30. Cease - Bad Religion
31. Come Join Us - Bad Religion
32. Drunk Sincerity - Bad Religion

"Happiness" Or "The Meaning of Life"

2008-03-27T17:28:00.002-06:00

Does it matter if we are happy? In the long run isn't it pointless to be happy? I guess by the same token everything in life could be construed as having no purpose. I try to not be nihilistic in my day-to-day going-ons, because it is so defeatist and not productive. I think this is my biggest fear, realizing just how pointless my existence is. I do tend to think about this off and on, but it seems like I always return to it. I don't know what it is in my nature that makes me think about it. I mean other than my disbelief in god and my contemplative approach to most situations. Only because we just recently discussed Hamlet in Shakespeare do I consider that to be a good person to compare myself too. I may not pretend to be crazy and kill people in the heat of the moment. Ironically enough, it is pointless to continue such a comparison.

I seem to not have anything exciting enough happening to me to sustain a decent post, I am already thinking about my next post, definitely a sign of boredom.

This brings up an interesting idea in itself. Maybe too much happiness or more appropriately, too much of the same sustained emotion and too much uneventfulness can perhaps lead to such boredom. It's easy to do nothing and sit back and watch television and fall into the same routine after a long week, a long work-week or school-week can contribute to laziness and I can't blame you you probably are more motivated than I. It isn't that I have no motivation, just not on a yearly, monthly, daily basis. It's harder to be motivated during winter, so maybe I need to keep myself excited for spring, as I have been. I had been keeping you informed of the situation last week, but for now it is top-secret. You see, I have such power, you're lucky I told you as much as I did. Of course, if you are Jen, you have a better grasp on things. I need more readers, Jen you are so sweet and awesome but I want more readership, as I am sure you'd tell me. Still I am appreciative.

"Attack and Release" The Black Keys

2008-03-26T20:30:00.003-06:00

The Black Keys, dubbed a Garage Rock Revival band, just put out a new album. Attack and Release is their newest throwback to Psychadelic Hendrix-esque rock. Those familiar with the Black Keys, especially the song "Your Touch" will hear some similarities in the vocals and music itself. The sound is not as refined as radio-friendly pop music and contains the soul and sound of a band whose heart is in what they play. The music is jam-out-turn-your-speaker-up joy.

The voice of Dan Auerbach brings to mind Sam Beam of Iron and Wine, but a little faster and it doesn't trail. It hits you and moves on, but it is consistent in its approach. Another trace of his vocals comes from Jimi Hendrix, I didn't say he is Hendrix. It's so easy to hear Auerbach's soul in his singing, it doesn't sound forced or rushed or insecure. There is obviously more to the band than a voice. I won't even attempt to discuss the drumming, because I just am not high in musical expertise. It is garage rock in the sense of drumming though.

As I listen to "Lies" I am left with the thought how much like The Allman Brother's they are. The whole Southern Rock sensibility is there, especially with the guitar playing. Also, in their choice of instrumentation, a banjo accompanies "Psychotic Girl". You could say they mix a range of musical influences--Bluegrass, Folk, Classic Rock--together into their songs.

The song titles themselves are creative and sound like blues titles, from "I Got Mine" to "Things Ain't Like They Used to Be". The whole feeling created by their music coupled with such titles really adds to the Black Keys listening experience. Especially with lyrics like:

I got a stone where my heart should be
And nothing I do will make you love me

does one see the Blues relationship the band has. I could list a dozen examples, so just believe me.

This review is highly amateur and subjective, I hope that you at least check them out if they sound interesting. Thanks...

P.S. A Rhapsody subscription totally rocks!

An Incomplete Pondering

2008-03-25T19:54:00.001-06:00

The world is raveled in a a web of irony. There is some weird sense to it all, perhaps order does come from chaos. If only for a short amount of time, long enough to be noticeable.

I cannot explain what exactly is floating through my mind. It has been a strange week, the town is under a "Bottled Water Advisory" because of a Salmonella outbreak. For those in town who receive water from the city this is a big headache, for those lucky enough to have wells, this is no ordeal, unless we go to the store where water is sold like gasoline. It is being given away en masse as well. This is all just unique.

So, since my situation began a few things have transpired. None of which I am responsible for, nevertheless they have affected me. I said I wouldn't contact her or talk to her or write her, but this just feels like a game each turn of the week. Through Facebook status updates, which are usually vague to those on the outside looking in, as though some inside joke of sorts. I have grasped the feeling of some sort of sadness she is experiencing, I suppose in some respects this is true. She misses her family, being away from home for the first time in her life.

There was an article in the newspaper about Easter. I didn't really read it, but she was in it. I think it was some sort of meal thing at the church and she went because she wanted to be reminded of her family. To me, that is sad, not in the pathetic sense, just in the heart. That's what's ironic, some feeling of sadness not because of what happened, not between us that is. I have this guilt in me, like I should extend to her some words of kindness. I think I didn't have to make the "rules" as explicit as they seem to be. I really feel like a moron, but today the sun was out and I was happy. I can't figure myself out, why would I even try to figure out what she's going through, I can't imagine feeling lonely around friends, but it seems so reasonable without your family. I am an atheist, but I would like to think she will be shown goodness in the days to come. Nothing is preordained and I think I owe it to her to show her kindness. Now I feel so bad, having done nothing, but perhaps encouraged nothing to become something. I have never felt empathy like this or guilt, if it can be called that.

School is canceled Wednesday - Friday, so not until next week will it matter what I tell her. I gave her the power to respond back to me when things have cooled down a bit. I really think there is more to things than it seemed on Wednesday. I guess this is the lesson this time. Maybe being there is more important for the other person and not for your own selfish needs. I deserve what I seek, but not at the price of another's sadness. I understand it is not me that has created the sadness, but shouldn't I at least try to heighten spirits.

Life is strange, complicated, funny and intriguing. Beautiful in some way I cannot yet describe.

A blog post usually is written start to finish, but this is not the case for this time. During this time lapse, there is much I have thought on further.

Spring is the best time of year, it isn't too hot, full of any bug nuisances and a welcome goodbye to winter. It is a season always taken for granted. I have been outside as much as possible the past few days, this is not always possible with the wind blowing down from the mountains.

I am writing this paragraph in response to the post Jen made on her blog about the newfound potential of this time period. This potential could be described by Spring, the warmer atmosphere coming from warmer air and the vitamins the sun gives out. The longer, to a point, you are outside the happier you will be. A sunburn is definitely not attributed to happiness. Even tanning your skin NATURALLY can be bad for your skin. It's not that Mars is sending waves of fortune to Earth or fate is aligned in such a way that good things are supposed to happen. The happier and more content people are the higher the chance that they will feel, act and think positively. I really cannot imagine someone sitting by a lilac bush in the sun playing frisbee with their dog suddenly shooting someone running on a path nearby, unless they're sworn enemies or already shady. Not the point. I think this is your basic psychological and sociological understanding of people and environment. Maybe astrology tries to make estimates based on time, in Spring people tending to be happier. The change in the moon's gravitational pull, which effects tide, could change the pressure in say one's head. I realize this is entirely my hypothesis, but I hope it shows that maybe astrology has its own merits. You're welcome Jen.

Music I Live

2008-03-23T20:02:00.001-06:00

One of the features one my last blog was a music review. Jen, whose blog you can find at http://symphonic729.blogspot.com, took a stroll down memory lane and posted some of her earlier writings with one pertaining to music. Whether or not that is the inspiration here, please continue reading.

So, I am no way a music expert and want you to know I don't care. I merely hope to perhaps broaden your listening scope and spark your interests. I will not be hindered by genre, unless of course it is one I despise (not going there).

It's So Fine, It's Sunshine

2008-03-22T11:05:00.001-06:00

I had a very needed discussion about things with my cousin. She is very wise in her relationship experiences and told me what I needed to hear.

My state of mind was at first in a state of uncertainty and my emotions attempted to overwhelm my reason, but I fought back. I could have very much just let things go over my head and given in, but I was strong. I realize I am merely stating and restating my will to succeed in the issue at hand. I will let you in on a few things I found out.

I just needed to very much get straight on what to do next. In a sense I did provide her, the girl I like, with an ultimatum, to figure out things on her end and let me know where "we" might stand in a relationship. I think there is perhaps some confusion in your mind, I did not say there will be a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship coming out of this, just left that as one possibility.

I think it is due to her not wanting to rush into a relationship, obviously, and therefore her inability to commit. My cousin said to let this girl go, that she is not worth the trouble and that I should pursue someone else. I learned that it is possible to keep her as a potential person to pursue a relationship with after I have tested the waters. But, as of now, it is not something I should wait on. That is not to say Tuesday was a bust or it's the end for us as friends, or perhaps as more than friends. I think I'll still eventually give her a chance, because I really believe her to be the main part of my happiness, at least in the future.

I am not admitting defeat or reacting against her, just have been shown there are many opportunities for love and happiness. I also learned that I had/have deeper feelings for her than she does for me, so there is an inequality in that respect. I need to slow down and look around, not to force someone to love me or expect everyone to. It is so hard sometimes knowing there is someone you believe could complete you, but they don't see you the same way. For me, it seems to be something that I have felt for many girls, and still feel it for many of them that are my friends. It isn't wrong to have such great love for them in your heart, I just think you need to have barriers to the ways in which you express your love. You can't hold the same love for everyone, some get more because they need and deserve it and others are more reserved so the love for them is more reserved. Of course, I could easily name a few inappropriate ways to show these "friends" love, but so can you.

Onward...I think I could write about this for about three weeks now, at least if things remain as dynamic and constantly changing. It is very challenging and also rewarding to approach and overcome such obstacles. I wouldn't call them obstacles so freely, they are more like opportunities with lessons embedded in them. I again am coming back to a level of positivity and trying my damnedest not to fall off my mountain of joy, peace and potential. I do not want to reach the summit, but instead every summit there is, one right after the other. It does seem like there is a balance to things, for darkness a lightness and of destruction a rebuilding.

This is twice in one week that I have almost lost control of the situation, but I have avoided calamity. So, in the unlikely event Sabrina reads this blog, I have links to it on my Facebook, I will offer up my thoughts on the matter. It is nothing against you, there is no flaw to you, other than those flaws that are beyond your control and that make you wonderful. If things were meant to happen between us they will, and further an opportunity for you to seek what makes you happy. Maybe I am the key to your happiness as well. We are friends as we should always be, I found great joy in your presence and even as a friend I know I will always experience that. This is not the end, nor the beginning, but a fork in the road. For now I need to see where it leads and I don't doubt I will see you on it. I am merely keeping my options open, as should you.

I am drastically changing perspective this week and am glad to be going through it. This means I am brave and letting things go where they take me, this is not a backstep, but rather a step forward. But I do not know where my future lies, and I figure it is not towards one specific direction.

So, Jen, you and me are aligned somehow. We have not experienced the exact same changes, but I believe we share the similar lessons contained within. It is now up to me to continue on my path, to taste the scent of Spring and what is to bloom and enjoy the golden boughs of sweet sunshine, to learn to love (by its many definitions) and to attain the happiness I deserve. You deserve it too. Each and every friend I hold dear to my heart also deserves it.

"The Word" by The Beatles
"Have you heard the word is love?
It's so fine, it's sunshine
It's the word, love"

Affection Reflection

2008-03-19T17:43:00.002-06:00

I will probably be writing on the same topic for at least a few days. So, it probably is a good thing that the person whom I am writing about doesn't read my blog. I am attempting to maintain a not-so-personal approach in talking about her, so that in case she does look at it that she understands my thoughts.

I mentioned this just a few hours ago, so forgive me for being redunant, but I greatly appreciate the outlook a fellow blogger has recently developed on life. I doubt that it really is something new for her, considering how damn optimistic she is. I am not calling positivity a fault, but I consider myself somewhat optimistic. Now, Jen, considering my past, wouldn't you agree I've maintained quite a positive outlook. I have had what same friend has referred to as very bad luck in the relationship arena.

This time it's different and I really know it might be getting old to say that, but damn it, it better be true. I am at that point where I still find myself trying to make the wisest decisions and not doing the things that are safe and secure.

I am thinking about last night and what a great time I had with the girl this blog is currently about, the one in my last post, you get the idea. I may have experienced great past misfortunes, but who knows where I would be at without their lessons, surely there'd be no blog discussing it. So, in order to remain mostly positive on the current matter, I must be sentimental of the past. Even if that past is fairly recent.

Before the message I sent today, and before the sinking feeling hit me, I was happy. I was ecstatic after the play and having gotten to know Sabrina a little bit better. I hope the feeling returns soon after things make sense for her and that they will therefore make more sense to me. I am crossing my fingers, although luck doesn't have a damn thing to do with it, that is merely another way of saying I have no control over what happens but I hope it works out in my favor. Maybe its selfish or arrogant or vain of a thing to hope for.

I want to respect the personal and private nature of the situation, but it is something that ultimately affects me and I'm putting great trust in the small audience that reads this blog. So, understand what that means and I hope your feedback is equally personal and authentic.

I am trying so hard not to lose my cool and give in to emotions, I know it's not good to repress your feelings, but sometimes those raw emotions are primal and misguided and uninformed and take away more from you that is good rather than harmful. It's almost a paradoxic, having this weird sense of things and not wanting to let go, while at the same time hoping for a cathartic release. I don't know if catharsis is what I feel or what my audience is supposed to feel when reading this. I might just be further confusing myself. I truly have this urgency to write what I think is going on in my head and heart and whatnot.

It is as though I have something driving me to evaluate myself and my current life. I can't just as easily give up on figuring myself out and what exactly it is I am going through. It truly is not the end of the world just because the girl I like is going through her own "struggles of the heart", which is what one friend called the difficulty she faced when she decided to break up with her boyfriend. I think we are all owed the ability to take some time to figure out the things that are hurting our heart, or making us unhappy and to decide what might make us happier. I guess in that sense if she was reading this she would understand that she deserves all the time she needs to sort things out. I hope I have been the catalyst in her decision to figure things out. However, it is bad to not figure things out, and to hope they will just go away or be fixed. That's what makes things so difficult from my perspective, I cannot force the situation to resolve itself and I have no right to push on the person to persuade them to make a decision that favors my wants and needs. I am obviously afraid I will not enter the equation, other then to be rejected. It is not just a fear of rejection, it is a fear of misfortune and unhappiness.

I will let things take their natural course, and I know it isn't prudent to hope things go your way, but I hope that things look up, because that will mean I am on the right track.

At the same time I am fearful of the ambiguity of the situation. This will make sense if you have read my previous post. Anyway, if I read it correctly, it sounded like she was trying to resolve a situation, as in break up, and hoping to settle that and not get hurt by it. Or did she mean she was deciding whether or not to break up? She apologized about the other guy and told me she needed time, which would suggest to me that within a reasonable amount of time she would consider a relationship between us. Not that that relationship would necessarily exist beyond the realm of friendship, but I think it's completely possible. I would hope 'likely' also figures into that possibility.

I keep wanting to ask "why?" and "what do I do?" I believe the answers to be "because" and "wait". Let's hope that I can remain positive about things and that the waiting proves fruitful and does not tamper with my sanity. I just wonder how long the waiting game will be.

Operation: Don't Think Too Much

2008-03-19T11:53:00.002-06:00

So, I've been reading Jen's blog and thinking about my happiness and how to remain positive, especially now. So I got a very familiar message just recently, one I could almost have written myself. I went to a play last night with a girl I have only known for a month, not under false pretenses (but as friends). I know I probably was a little out of line thinking it might turn into something, or maybe that's the wrong expression to use. I do feel in my heart some sadness after the latest revelation.

This is what happened. I sent a message to her telling her what a great time I had and how sweet I found her to be. She said she was flattered and thinks it's great that I like her, but she has someone whom she is involved with, an it's-complicated-figuring-things-out relationship. I do not want to sound totally terrible in saying I hope she figures things out and that they mostly involve me. I want to see where things go, and as Jen reiterates, if it wasn't meant to be, then at least I found out and didn't always wonder about. I meant to keep my heart out of things involving her and to have gotten to know her before I invested my heart and soul.

Okay, I'm not completely broken up, just have that sinking feeling and like I might succumb to self-doubt and feeling worthless, knowing full well I am not worthless, I know I mean alot to people. I know Jen has had more experience with relationships (teaching me there is more to life). About being happy, the key to my happiness (I believe) is through my heart. I just hope I can understand my emotions and not be controlled by them.

I know from what Sabrina has said, that's her name by the way, that I am valued by her and she's sorry about the current situation she is in with this guy she is figuring things out with. One of the most promising things she told me is that she needs to figure things out before going further with any kind of relationship. Let's hope she figures out herself and what she wants in life and what will make her happiest. It sounds like she's tried the relationship out and tested it's waters and maybe realized it's not what she wants.

I hope there is more to this experience, and I have much in common with her, especially musically. I had the greatest time with her, perhaps moreso due to the fact I didn't know if she really was single or was in such a situation. I had waited to complicate things and now things are officially complicated (more for her I might add). Let's hope I don't make her sad because she hurt me or vice versa and that on the slightest probability we can have a relationship (and if not then as friends). I don't want to say we're 'just friends' for the sake of self-fulfilling prophecies, but we are in the middle between being "friends" and "more-than-friends". Basically, it escapes all names, titles, descriptions and whatnot.

Jen, I hope I can be as fractionally optimistic as you are, although I would say our circumstances vary greatly, they both may be in relation to love and happiness but are ultimately different. Thanks for all you will tell me and the smile you will surely place upon my face in telling me it.

Wow, this was a good way to get the negativity out of my thoughts...

Under Construction: A New Poem

2008-03-17T11:34:00.001-06:00

So, it's always a curious thing in of itself working on a new poem. My subject is a good friend, and I have done this sort of thing only once before, so I am still getting used to such a dynamic subject. You cannot just throw in ideas that you can't somehow connect with the person. It is perhaps a highly romantic thing to do, also a way to show the person's influence on you and the world. It is much more difficult focusing on something breathing and thinking and able to serve as critic to the very poem about them. Although, it is possible they may praise you, perhaps because they aren't sure who they are yet. Maybe we always search for our identity, but do we ever find it? Is it possible for such a thing to be true as long as we are alive and sculpting ourselves in new ways on a constant basis.

Part of the process that I have been tinkering with for past poems is to give myself more than enough material to work with. However, it only makes it more difficult to find the focus of the poem with so many lines. I really seem to start each poem with new approaches, so drastic they are difficult to work with for extended periods of time. I guess I should be glad that a poem requires some talent on my part and that it requires a new approach and experimentation. I'm rambling, also realizing I am not always the best at writing blogs spur of the moment.

The Right Decision

2008-03-17T11:33:00.001-06:00

Arguably, for the first time in my life I have made the best choice. One that I am content with having made and cannot foresee anything negative happening in. I think we excuse the bad things that happen to us sometimes and proclaim we have learned from our mistake. This works most of the time, but it sucks screwing up, obviously you cannot plan on crappy stuff happening to you just as you can't expect things to go your way.

Last night I realized how happy I am at this moment. I really think this decision will lead to something positive, and I'm hoping not to jinx things. You know I mean that by the mere fact I used the phrase. This is one thing I'm looking forward to being a part of and I surely hope it leads to other things, maybe happiness translates to inspiration. I would think after such a period of bitter, frozen winter that cheerful attitudes are on the rise.

On another note, I'm really making an effort to write more in each post, but I think I'm a little shy talking about what is going on in my life, as I should have a right to be, but if you aren't just an imagined audience to my blog, look for updates often. Even if that just means you Jen.

Thoughts and the Burden in Keeping Them Private

2008-03-14T12:34:00.002-06:00

Having someone to discuss your inner thoughts with is a valuable asset. It's important having an outlet for those thoughts you withhold from most people. Otherwise, it is possible for these 'secrets' to become a major stressor in your life. The determination of appropriate topics of course varies amongst people.

Both parties should be equally willing to discuss the current subject and it should not be taboo. Open-mindedness is key in these talks, as a close mind will only be a cause for an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes it's difficult to figure out who you can talk to and what about, but once you do it is a relief. The burden of the thought can be divided and a new understanding gained.

All it usually takes is approaching the other person you believe will be understanding of thought 'x'. If you are honest and they are honest then the road to a mutual discussion of somewhat secret things is opened up. Trying to talk about secrets without mentioning what they are is sometimes difficult, especially in a blog, although I doubt many people read mine.

National Poetry Month Celebration (for April)

2008-03-12T11:24:00.002-06:00

I am thinking about next month because it is National Poetry Month. Anyway, there doesn't seem to be any sort of programming on my campus to celebrate this important month. Obviously poetry is a vital part of my life, although I don't seem to find myself reading poetry as much as I should be. I am still learning who my favorite poets are and the types of techniques that I like the most. I do find myself to be a critic of the works of others, including my peers, but I attribute that to the workshops I have done in my previous classes and because I am my harshest critic.

Back to the topic at hand. I may not be the best in organizing events, and that includes planning the event far enough in advance. I do like to be the one who suggests the things that maybe have been floating in left field because the realization that something should be done to honor such and such has not appeared. It's really difficult to express such a simple concept using simple language.

Basically because I want to see the college and community come together to celebrate this month I have to take action of my own. So maybe a little less than a month is enough time to get something put together, there really isn't any upfront cost and it is my reasoning that the purpose of a college is as an educational Institute, so therefore it really is a no-brainer that we should inform those who might be unaware that there is such a thing as National Poetry Month.

I am feeling fairly confident of this new endeavor, after receiving an e-mail from a friend of mine who is president of the Education club here on campus, it seems that coincidentally enough they were thinking about having a poetry reading for high school students and/or college students. So some potential on that frontier.

I am a Creative Writing major here at my college and for a campus of its size there are many multicultural and entertainment events, even for the English department to bring in poets and to have its own student produced and edited literary journal is quite awesome. I guess in a sense there are events that coincide with the month of April that are celebratory of poetry. With that being said I think it is a good time to actually make the link known.

So I am looking for feedback from those in the campus community via Facebook and I hope that will prove invaluable. I am also asking the head of the English department if we can put together some events and maybe have them provide some funding, that and I am also hoping to do something through the college library. We shall see the result of this probing. I'll also let you know what you can do to celebrate National Poetry Month in later posts.

Love is a Many-Splendored and Curious Thing

2008-03-02T15:15:00.001-07:00

I sometimes question my decisions, but this is an understatement. This will become more apparent as I progress.

I'm certain that this isn't a new insight, but please let me indulge you. In an unwritten book, or widely held as true, a friendship can never progress into an intimate relationship or one beyond the realm of friendship. It may be possible to be friendly at first and then to date one another, but friends should never date.

This is why I'm hesitant to befriend those whom I might possibly like or want to date. Is it wrong to develop a relationship as described above with a friend, or does it depend on the length of the friendship? Is it a mistake to familiarize yourself with a new friend in terms of friendship and then pursue a relationship with that person? Is it possible that such could be construed as a hidden agenda? Perhaps I am approaching matters too literally, but thought is the plague to my contentment and happiness.

So consider my current situation. I recently became friends with a girl; she had complimented me and introduced herself after watching me in a theatre class project performance. It was strictly friendly on her part. The week beforehand I saw her in "The Love Talker," a play for those who are wondering. So, therefore I complimented her as well.

I always struggle with image and beauty and physical attraction. I do favor beautiful, cute and pleasing looks. This is where I feel awful. I'm not implying she's ugly, for looks are deceiving, and are never perceived the same way everytime. I think I fear hating someone based off of such a subjective and callous view.

I have been told that each person sees beauty differently, and what one may hate or find ugly in another person, another may find beautiful. I don't need to get too vulgar or descriptive.

I actually think it's based off of what others will think of a girl I like. I attempt to perceive their thoughts. I have consoled myself with the thought that there are millions of beautiful girls out there and I shouldn't feel bad if I prefer them. Actually, I think my preference is towards not overaverage pretty girls, but girls who are average. Not that they aren't good looking, just realistically beautiful, if that makes sense. I know I'm trying to excuse myself for my shallowness, if you call it that.

Another fragment of the picture relates to self-pride. This may sound odd or backward, but in the many pursuits of love, one should not settle for only what is easy for them to get. Shouldn't it be hard, pursuing another? In searching for love or courting another, who may be alike in ideal, should you not pursue them if there is another whose heart you're guaranteed of winning? Is it not an act of deception to do so? Perhaps in playing upon their heart you are only encouraging them into a false sense of happiness. It is a most cruel thing to knowingly lead one by their heartstrings only to tear them out later. I would rather take my chances and be turned down by someone, but at least they would not be false in their love.

I believe that possibly I have let "the one" slip by, but such a concept seems truly absurd. In this world that there is one person meant for you and only you. True, there may be one or many people just right for you. It is possible to find someone you connect with tremendously, but I fail to believe it is fate. Fate is not what was destined to happen, but what has happened. Therefore, your destiny is not preordained and beyond your control. There may be obstacles to your life-path, but only through chance are they deterrents. Fate is not a present-tense possibility, only visible in the past tense. You can see through cause-effect what has led to your current state, but you can not predict the future accurately. You can make forecasts and guesses, which can come true, but it's not an absolute possibility.

Love is convoluted and complex and presently wrapped in a veil of mystery, misunderstanding, mythology and is a phenomena in description alone. It's psychological, physical and poetic. The heart races, the mind gets blurred as dopamine increases and euphoria unfolds, and we know we are in love. But each time is different and who knows if men experience it the same way women do.

A New Name

2008-03-02T14:31:00.003-07:00

A new name by which to call the month. I have noticed the song of birds growing louder and more cheerful. The sun increases its radiance and glowing heat. Spring is beckoning and coming into fruition.

With nature's renewing spirit also comes the renewed sense of individual and communal potential. There is also a psychological and physical rejuvenation that occurs. I still wait patiently for the season to change, but know that spring is wafting in the air.

I only hope that there is not a false sense of security in early March's warmth and that a snowstorm doesn't dampen such spirits (I have since added this parentheses because it is blowing and snowing as I update this paragraph).

So, I ponder what I will accomplish in the warmth of the outdoors. I know the bugs and heat will try its best to keep me from experiencing happiness, but I will not miss winter. I may despise the summer when the heat intensifies, but will marvel in its wonder. Won't it be great!

My Misfortunes and Aspirations

2008-03-01T11:41:00.002-07:00

I approach situations differently than I once did. I do not think I possess any foresight, but instead (like many) use my past to guide me. Within this instance I attempt to promote a positive outcome, based on the decisions I make. It isn't always possible to do this, so whenever failure occurs a lesson is learned.

Lately, I have found my risk to be the opposite of my reward. On several occasions, and purposely remaining vague, with different attempts for affection or the potential for such affections, I find myself risking for the mere purpose of having risked. I tend to despise my decisions, whether it be because of something I did or didn't do, I never am satisfied it seems. There cosmically must be something that gives me great misfortune.

I have never felt the use for such a phrase, until now, but I fawn over one girl in the hopes to win her heart. It seems that I reach a point and things unravel and stop. That person either feels differently, is involved with someone or a snag develops eventually. There simply does not seem to be enough time to progess if this eventually always winds up happening. Perhaps, it is this failure and unfortunateness that is a perpetual thing driving me to write.

After all, aren't writers supposed to suffer and live miserable lifes so that they may "bleed upon the page," as Hemingway would and did have it. I do not find this to be inaccurate. I do, however, hope that it isn't the only source of my future inspiration.

May the muse surface someday soon in my heart, it is awful, to think it never may awaken.